Today I was filled with love as I was looking at my two year old boy. He talked me into letting him into the front courtyard to get something. He had just gotten out of the shower and was dawning his typical birthday suit. I reminded him to be quick because we have a rule that he must wear clothes in the front yard. He assured me it would be fine and ran out. He brought me the item he was after and then told me he would be “Right back, Mama!  Right back!” I knew where this was heading. He went to pet the cat. I asked him to come in again. This time he stamped his foot on the ground, started wiggling, hands in the air and said, “Dancing Mama!” with a “What is your problem lady, can’t you see I have things to do!” look on his face. I had to laugh!
Somehow my mind slipped back in time to a few months ago when things weren’t so easy. He is two and two is challenging (and if it isn’t for your kiddo, congrats to you!). I had the thought go through my head that someday I’ll let him know how I almost dropped him off in the National Park for a Park Ranger to raise when he was being impossibly two (a very momentary fleeting thought but it did cross my mind). Right away, the thought that I would share this with him made me cringe. Why would I want to remind him of how difficult something had been in the past? Why would it be necessary for me to tell him how difficult I had perceived this time to be? My answer saddened me. I realized that I would be making him pay for his past behavior in the future (where, btw, he would have no control over the his past behavior) and I would be making myself his victim and a martyr for “putting up with” his behavioral challenges.  In other words, I would be making myself right and making him wrong.
Yuck, it is difficult to digest but none the less true.   It is pretty typical unconsious human behavior to be the victim and martar. I know I can go there, sadly.  Or maybe it stems from a need to control and dominate another human being.  Either way it isn’t the parent I want to be to my child.
I hope that I can continue to stay conscious to this issue. I want to live in the present with my children and let them know how much I love them now, then and always. I want them to know that they can never do or have done anything that could make me love them any less or any more. My love is abundant, unconditional and never ending. I want to give them “roots and wings” (a quote I heard on the show ‘Addicted’). Please let me remember this on all levels of my being.

Today I saw a quote that reminds me of this moment in many ways, ” Don’t let shadow figures from your past invade your today.”  -Marianne Williamson.  I think I should post this on the fridge.